I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
