Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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