Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
