I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
