my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she told me i tasted like america
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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