Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
