we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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