I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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