I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
