The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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