i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
