Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
