it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
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Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You don't make any sense
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