captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
