When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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