ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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