Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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