remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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