Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
