How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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