A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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