Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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