Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
