morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
