I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Everclear isn't food dammit
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
