You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
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We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
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Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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