so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
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take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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