do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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