so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
