My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
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There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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