Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
