nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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