Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
