I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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