I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
