Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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