how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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