And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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