well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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