All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
