yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
