y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
