It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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