My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
