You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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