i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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