I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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