I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
