My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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