just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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