I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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