Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
