I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
