I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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