So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
