just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
