I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
