How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
