Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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